In an unprecedented move, Santa Claus has backed the election recount, as word out of The North Pole reveals, the jolly old myth of children’s gifts is dealing with disgruntled elves who are worried about their livelihood.
Meeting with the President Eject yesterday at Trump Tower, Mr. Claus exited the meeting looking sullen, and frankly, distraught. In a statement issued earlier today, Santa holds no punches:
Donald Trump is not only a social fascist who stole the election, he is trying to destroy Christmas. Ever since the Trump organization took over Santa’s Factory, he’s slashed job benefits and now he’s threatening to keep the Elves’ wages at just under the current minimum wage. When I challenged him on this, he told me orange face and hair to red nose, he will, and I quote, “I will make sure those little fuckers who manufacture toys for the spoiled children of the world suffer greatly, because frankly, they are foreign and just too short. In fact, because of their height challenge, they should really be counted as half a worker.”
Drying a tear from his eyes, Ole St. Nick finished his speech for the press planted outside of Trump Tower with a heavy and sarcastic: “Merry Christmas, fellow prisoners,” then headed down to the Lower East Side to get “smashed out of my fucking sleigh” at Marion’s. Reporters were left stunned as Santa finished his impromptu press conference by mooning Trump Tower; an unexpected act so shocking, three people had to be rushed to St. Vincent’s Hospital for emergency coronary care.
When the Hollywood Dog tried to reach out to the Trump transition team for confirmation, we were told to be nice, not naughty, or, and we quote: “Expect wonderful incredible things under your tree this year”, which we interpreted as veiled threats. Santa Claus himself has gone into hiding and we understand is now being sought by the NSA, as well as Homeland Security.
More on this incredible evolving story as it happens.
This is Steven Alan Green for The Hollywood Dog.