I’ve met a lot of Hollywood celebrities in my day and I always try and make it pretty.
<Parody> For most people, Oscar-time is our chance to look in the window to Hollywood. What’s it’s really like behind the scenes. That’s what’s really the most fascinating thing to most outsiders. “Outsiders” meaning regular folk across the country; indeed across the world. Our fascination begins in our childhood heads. What’s it really like to be the cowboy or indeed the Indian. Everybody wants to be famous. Everybody. From aspiring actors to serial killers. Fame is the coin of the realm. I used to joke that the reason everyone wants to be famous is based on The Rapture. That God will only recognize the famous and lift them to Heaven. Or to a nice Bel Air estate if they have a good tax attorney.
Will Smith slapping Chris Rock on international television has become the meme of the century
What happened last night at The Oscars was mind-blowing. 15 and a half million viewers worldwide saw the unexpected shocking slap across the face of our collective pride. Movies is America’s main export. Hollywood produces on average over $50 BILLION dollar of product each year. And that product doesn’t just represent great big and little stories of human conflict and achievement, they reveal and revere who we and what we – as Americans – hold up as ideal. And, what happened last night was the heavy-weight fight of all time. In terms of viewership, because Will Smith slapping Chris Rock on international television has become the meme of the century. And, when you think on it, comedians are actors and sometimes actors are comedians. We are all one family and respect for one’s family members must be completely strident. Unless it’s Thanksgiving, of course, and Uncle Arnold has had a little too much Schnapps.
The worse thing you can do to a comedian on stage is silence.
Standup comedy is a completely different discipline from acting. Are we supposed to now attack actors who portray villains? It’s mostly a sad commentary on the American audiences that the comedian cannot rely on mass condemnation for a joke which fell flat. There are a million jokes, and I wrote some of them. Here’s one:
Now Will Smith’s attorneys are saying he didn’t know his hand was loaded.
Believe it or not, celebrities are people too. And, I know, we as Americans are far too hypnotized by them than we realize. Let me put it this way, if Hitler himself had reincarnated as a writer and was selling his memoir of how he found true salvation after slaughtering millions of Earthlings, we would line up at Barnes and Nobel to get his autograph. This is the problem. We live in an age where numbers, Twitter count, Meme power, all of it, where we are automatically attracted to famous people, especially when they do something stupid. Because we can all relate to that. The fallibility of humans is the most attractive element of celebrity. Everyone knows my embarrassingly legendary story of when Jerry Lewis came to star in a big London production of mine. Jerry treated me and the production absolutely horribly. He was mean, he was controlling, he was out of control, he was even a saboteur. And yet, all during production, I kept my cool. I had to. Too much was on the line. I once worked with an actress in a film in London. The first thing she tells me is how she hates the director. Then during filming, on a break, I caught her speaking out of school about me: “And, just because he’s an American, he thinks he’s funny, but he’s not.” I pulled her aside and gave her a piece of my mind. She paid me back by banning me from the set.
Like I’ve said, I’ve met and worked with a lot of Hollywood celebrities. From Paper Moon’s Tatum O’Neil hugging me at an election precinct to Andy Dick giving me loads of love outside The Comedy Store to the last time I saw and hung out with Robin Williams and Mort Sahl. I love celebrities, especially if they are my heroes or indeed co-workers. I was on the movie set once with George Clooney. For the Coen Brother’s “Hail, Caesar!”. I was dressed as an Israelite and was in the scene where Clooney talks with Jesus on the cross. During the break, I went to the movie studio bathroom. In costume, of course and just as I walked in, dressed in full metal jacket Roman Centurion with a red cape on, was none other than George. As we passed each other I said, “Looking good, Superman!” (the red cape) Without missing a beat, George turns to me and says: “I get that all the time….”
I’m sure he does. And guess what? I didn’t slap him.
For The Hollywood Dog,
This is Steven Alan “Woof Woof” Green
Catch Steven Alan Green’s new one-man show: “The Fool Rises” May 22 @ The Yard Theatre in Los Angeles and then in June at The Hollywood Fringe.
