It’s often a difficult thing living in LA to figure out just where the hell one is.  I mean, yeah, we’re near the sea, the mountains, the desert.  Add a monorail and that could easily be a description of Disneyland.  What I mean is that LA is not a city, but more like an unhappy collective of disparate neighborhoods that want to have nothing to do with each other.  Walking down Hollywood Boulevard, synchronizing footstep with pavement star, you will find yourself standing in front of the oldest operating restaurant in Los Angeles, and by all accounts, still holding the flame to the competition.  Musso’s and Franks.

A Constellation of Eating

Musso’s and Franks opened in 1919 and saw the likes on a regular basis with such early movie luminaries as Charlie Chaplain.  In fact, “Charlie’s booth” still serves up corner comfort to whomever is lucky enough to even know to ask for it; and from my understanding, there is another Charlie’s booth at a Vietnamese restaurant over on Vermont, but that has an entirely different meaning.  You will see modern movie stars at Mussos and I would be remiss if I were to mention any of them publicly here.  Suffice to say they are the cool type of movie star.  Someone “like” Jack Nicholson or someone “like” Jeff Goldblum.  Did Jennifer Lawrence just order the seafood salad?  I think she did.  One time dining in the main room with the bar, All Pacino came in with good size entourage.  He was very interesting to watch as he seemed to purposely not make eye contact with anyone.  Even as he reached across his table for the salt, he seemed to be making himself  invisible.  A year later, Scene of a Woman came out where Al played a blind man.  He was rehearsing his role!

Food as Original as Mae West

The biggest stars at Musso’s are not the incredible Martini’s which comes with an obligatory side bottle of refill, or the anchovy salad dressing or the fire and coal grilled lamb chops or the creamed spinach or their legendary “flannel cakes,” a house invention somewhere between a pancake and a think sheet of paper.  No. the stars of Musso’s are and have always been the waiters.  Union waiters who stay with the company forever.  Back in the 80’s there was this lifelong waiter.  Eppy was his name;  I think he’s gone to the great dining room in the sky, but Eppy used to recommend the potatoes au gratin because “Humphry Bogart used to order it that way from me every Thursday.”  For me?  Sam Spade’s taters were good enough for me.

Manny “Felix” was the star of the dining counter and would do magic tricks at the table for you.  He was a great guy and would put up with my oft grumpy moods.  He knew to bring me my Martini before the menu, which, by the way, they print every day.

For the Hollywood Dog,

Steven Alan Green….WOOF!

Bartender to the stars

Musso’s and Franks official website

Lue Deck – comedy polymath learned his trade from the one and only Mitzi Shore.

There’s an old joke.

Murray and Saul, two old Jewish men, sit on the park bench.  Murray turns to Saul.  “Saul.”  “What is it Murray?”  “If you had 20 million dollars, would you loan me 10?” “Of course I’d loan you 10 million dollars.  I don’t need 10 million dollars, let alone 20.  I’d give you 10 million dollars.  Don’t ask a stupid question!”

A few minutes go by.

“Saul.”  “What is it Murray?”  “If you had 2 office buildings, would you give me one?”  “Of course I’d give you an office building. I don’t need an office building, let alone 2 office buildings.  Don’t ask a stupid question!”

Few minutes more.

“Saul.”  “What is it Murray?”  “If you had 2 watches…”

“You bastard!  You KNOW I got 2 watches!”

Lue Deck – Comedy Polymath

If you had to choose between two doctors. One was a specialist who had full training and certification for being a general practitioner, as well as learning and perfecting his or her specialty. That’s one doctor. The other doctor had basic training and certification as well but was also a trained and certified specialist in a dozen medical areas. He’d be your dentist, for example, but also was an expert in hearing and blood pressure. I would choose the second guy because anyone who has a sense of medicine knows that the body is all related to itself. That’s what comedian Lue Deck is. A really funny dentist. No, that’s a joke. Lue Deck is a comedian who has done it all and done it all excellently and learned and worked with the best in the business. And that is usually an expectation of a comic polymath.

Starting as Comedy Store doorman and MC, Deck cut his comedy teeth at the legendary club under the tutelage of the one and only legendary Mitzi Shore. There, he created The Comedy Channel, was the in-house Improv director, a Comedy Store activist, a Paid Regular, in charge of Video and personal assistant to Mitzi.   As an act he holds the world’s record for performing in 100 cities in one year, 10 years running! He’s opened for everybody from Carrot Top to the Dixie Chicks. Performed extensively on USO tours in 17 countries, over 100 cruise ship gigs. As a writer, Lue Deck is a CSPAN Essay winner. (Featured in 10 major newspapers across America), was a featured stand-up in “I’m Dying up here!” by Bill Knodelseder, which was turned into a very interesting Showtime series by exec producer Jim Carrey. His own book, “Stand-up Decoded: Be as funny as you think you are!” is a popular E-book published by Xlibris.com.  Like I said, Lue Deck – comedy polymath

Lue has also been a dear friend to this comedian and writer. I thought it time he got a little extra spotlight, as usually, and especially in “this town”, it’s hard to get out of the shade of the latest giant comedy monsters casting their overwhelming shadows across us all. I caught up with Lue as I was awaiting trial for attempted laziness.

H-Dog – Tell us about working for Mitzi.

Deck – She knew the ingredients to a successful act. You accepted her advice or left! By the time you could do what she wanted, you could sell your act. Working for her was relentless. From doorman to mc to act, she would pile opportunity and responsibility on you until you couldn’t handle all of it. Video director to consultant to personal assistant. You gave her your thoughts and followed her crazy orders. Looking back, she was right on 95% of her decisions. NOT counting her choice of lovers!

H-Dog: What was it like being the opening act for Ollie Joe Prater?

 

Deck: It was like driving a Wells Fargo stagecoach for a real life Yosemite Sam! We did 87 cities the first year. He liked one-niters because they paid more. Never saw another act who was wanted by ALL the bookers any week! He was the most explosive, reliable, and sold out acts we ever saw.

H-Dog: What was The Comedy Store like back in its heyday?

Deck: It was impressive, like Cape Canaveral shooting comics up every night, 3 or 4 stars destroying crowds. Then, one would beg you for a drink coupon on a late Tuesday. Robin (Williams, of course) knew I didn’t use coke so he’d hide his stash on me. Anything to suddenly be his pal. After I had an office, names would seek ME out to hide there! Andy Kaufman, Richard Pryor, Rodney Dangerfiled. I had to kick Sam Kinison out of the dungeon several times!

H-Dog: You’ve done a lot of cruise ship gigs. Did you ever any kind of quarantine situation like we have now?

Deck: Common to a miss a stop on a 3 stop tour because of dysentery. But, nothing like this! But, cruise ships have always been Petri dishes!

H-Dog: Your radio show “Poor Lue’s Almanac!” was nominated for a Peabody Award. Congratulations! Tell the Hollywood Dog about all that.

Deck: Well, first of all, thank you. In 1997, I was laid up with a broken back and was only selling jokes to Jay Leno. Sold 1 out of 60, 2 out of 40. I had 97 jokes not doing nothing and so I copied Poor Richard’s Almanac model from Ben Franklin. I used Publisher to go digital. Then when I got better and went back on tour, I sold my Almanac for 10 bucks to radio DJ’s. Which led to an offer from Net Radio Live to do 25 episodes before streaming. They nominated me, but I lost out to Bernie Mac.

H-Dog: Tell us about entertaining out troops with the USO and The Department of Defense?

Deck: They were all overseas tours. I found my grandfather’s grave at a gig about 20 miles northeast of Manila. Which was a grounding moment for me because I hardly knew him.

H-Dog: I understand you were the first comic to perform in North Korea!

Deck: Same spot as Trump and Un! Also in building, where the armistice was signed. Tour guide invited me step across the 38^th Parallel, which when I did, the entire tour group yelled “BOO!” I jumped on the table, scared the guards, making them all pulls guns! I “surrendered”! Everybody laughs at my playfulness.

H-Dog: You married a cop? Did she have a sense of humor?

Deck: Her gun was bigger than mine! Google “The Cop & The Comic!” Or look in my book or on my timeline! The evidence wont’ stand up in court!

H-Dog: You were also the first comic to perform in Cuba?

Deck: ’93, my ship stops to do harbor scanning, we went at pier to exchange freight, food, cigars, but no disembarking. At a freight hanger door, I made friends with customs & teamsters by making them laugh. I begged them to let me go to end of pier & touch real Cuba, and so the Cuban customs guys let me. I dashed, told three jokes, and sauntered back, until the dogs rushed up the pier & chased me back into my ship. applause from all but the dogs!

H-Dog: You bio says you innovated the cruise ship toilet lizard. Would care to expound?

Deck: It’s a visual trick with suction toilet. I tell the crowd after show, to go to their room get toilet paper, baseball sized ball on toilet, stream out 10-12 feet, then flush! Tail streaming disappears down toilet, whooooosh! Now, imagine: the flaming lizard!

H-Dog: I would, but I’m too busy crying over what a waste of toilet paper, especially these days! What position did David Letterman play on The Comedy Store Basketball team? You were center, right?

Deck: Starting center and Dave was outside forward; he wasn’t the best at rebound, but had a great shot. Jimmy Walker was good, so was John Witherspoon. We played at the Forum during halftime at a Lakers game.

H-Dog: Who was the opposing team and did you win?

Deck: Pizza Hut and yes we won.

H-Dog: Pizza Hut vs. Comedy Store! That’s hilarious. Moving on. You performed in four states at the same time? How does that work?

Deck: I was offered this gig to perform at a private party at the Four corners landmark, the demarcation quadripoint where Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah meet.  I thought it be cool to leave stage and do 5 min from the landmark.

H-Dog: Okay, my favourite fact about you is that you smoked ganja on Bob Marley’s grave?

Deck: Yes, but buried in 9 mile, up mountain from Ocho Rios. They buried Bob in his front yard inclined with a face visor, so you could see his face, he could see the sun. Been moved to Zimbabwe.

H-Dog: Finally, and I wanted to thank you for your time.

Deck: It’s been my pleasure!

H-Dog: What did Mitzi Shore mean to you and to comedy?

Deck: Mitzi deserves it as a leader in the biz, suffragette, and unique prominence in a man’s world!

H-Dog: Thanks again, Lue Deck. You’re a great man, comic and friend. And certainly the doctor I’d choose!

Deck: Keep positive!

H-Dog: I’ll try my best. (*puts mask back on)

Follow Lue Deck on Facebook

Lue Deck – comedy polymath is the author of the definitive book on stand-up. Available online somewhere.

For The Hollywood Dog, this has been Steven Alan Green.

From our historical victory against the British in the late 1700’s to our home sports team winning the national championship, we Americans like to win. Up until Viet Nam, America perceived itself as winning all wars. Once we hit the proverbial brick wall militarily, we were all kinda shook up. But we kept on. Kept on winning. The great automobile manufacturing war of the 1970’s had us taking on both our former WWII sworn enemies of Germany and Japan and at the end of the day, we kinda won.

Meaning, we didn’t let them take over, though it is hard to believe that when you see a BMW or a Corolla. At the end of the day, winning is how we perceive it and how we perceive whether we’re winning or not is all based on keeping our perspective. If you’re on a diet and want to lose 50 pounds, just by eating better, you’ve started your diet and that’s winning. Losing the weight is almost the prize. The goal is to start.

We Americans Like to Win

Because at the end of the “game” or season, there is always a winner.   Sure; there’s always gonna be some controversy. “But, they cheated!” is always gonna come up during a national championship, sports or politics. And this brings up a problem. If we go with the notion that winning is everything, then how do we deal with losing? Well, I have the answer. Both winning and losing are on very long curves and they are comparatives, rather than absolutes.

In fact the concept of competition is comparative by nature. If you were a baseball player and hit more home runs than anyone in any given season, but your team loses the World Series, I hope you can still win MVP. Because action. Accomplishment. Even just trying is winning.

Innovation is the Key

The thing to remember about us Americans is that we’ve weathered many storms.  The 1929 stock market crash, 9/11, and the 2009 housing crisis.  We will survive whatever is there to overcome.  We have some of the brightest innovators in the world and whether it’s coming up with a renewable energy source or a delightfully fun way to get around the city, we Americans excel in innovation. We Americans like to win.

The world is going through a test.

The Coronavirus is literally testing everyone’s patience and ability to cope. The entire situation is exsaserbated by the fact, that unlike self-improvement, we absolutely depend upon what others do. What the government does. What our local supermarket chain does. What the average stranger passing us by does.

My belief is that in terms of the Covid 19 crisis, each one of us has to literally win every single day. Change and adjust your definition of winning. Were you able to go the store and get milk? Where you able to keep yourself and others safe while doing it. Are you able to keep your head above the ever increasing financial dangerous waters. The key to it all, of course is to be well informed, do the work, and keep on keeping on.  We Americans like to win.

Cut Yourself Some Slack

It’s sometimes hard to feel like a winner when everyone around you seems to have a better life. More things, more money, better looks. And there’s only so much we can do about any of that. That’s why you have to cut yourself some slack. Remember where you’re coming from for sure; but how far you’ve already come is most important.

For The Hollywood Dog, this has been Steven Alan Green

3/19/20

GPS electric scooters rock! If you’ve recently been to Hollywood, Santa Monica, or any area of Los Angeles which attracts a lot of walking traffic, no doubt you’ve seen those new electric scooters, either gliding around a millennial, waiting on the sidewalk for somebody or dead in the middle of the road, waiting for an accident.

Between Bird, Lime, Uber and Lyft, pedestrians have an alternative to scooting themselves around town. The fact is, between Bird, Lime, Uber and Lyft, there are approximately 35,000 rentable electric scooters in town. That’s more scooters than you can shake a GPS at. Gaming on the new market economy, as well as advancement in GPS technology, self-renting electric scooters offer an alternative to one of L.A.’s biggest no-no’s. Walking. Truth is, it’s always been very difficult to walk through LA’s neighborhoods, in light of the fact that everyone else is zipping by in a car. I’ve walked for miles in other cities such as San Francisco, New York, and London and those places just seem made for the sport of walking. Here in LA, if one wants to walk, you usually need to join a gym and get on the treadmill. For some weird indefinable reason, walking in LA has always been for the home of the brave. There are plenty of “hikes” up Runyon Canyon, where actors and writers get their weekly dose of fresh air, exercise and humiliation as someone thinner, younger and more successful sweeps right by them. This is a factor of living in LA. No matter what you have, there’s always someone with something a little bit better. One of the rules of surviving in LA is to just get over it and on with it. GPS electric scooters rock!

More Than Affordable

Scooter rental prices are really quite reasonable. For Lime, for example, to unlock the scooter will cost you a dollar, then it’s 15 cents a minute. All you do is download an app on your phone, put in your payment details, then use the app to find the nearest scooter with a full charge and you’re on your way!  It’s a great way to get from here to there short distances, but can be dangerous. The scooters all come with a warning not to ride on the sidewalk, but everyone does it. Riding on the street – although I’ve seen it – can be very dangerous for obvious reasons.   So, for me to park my car a few blocks away late at night, then take a scooter home, it can cost as little as 2 dollars.  And when added up for the month, my parking costs are well below 50 bucks total.

Middle of the Night Recharging Elves

You may ask, how do these electric instruments get recharged?  Good question.  When all are asleep, indoors, and getting ready for the next day’s fight, silent men and women sweep up and down the streets, finding and collecting the scooters in their pickup trucks, take them home and recharge them.  And apparently they get good money for it too.  Lime calls their rechargers “Lime Juicers”.

Giving a Knee for the Environment

I live in Hollywood. Right on Sunset Boulevard. Parking around my place is nearly impossible. From homeless caravans taking up entire streets to local film production shutting down streets for filming to Netflix taking over the entire neighborhood, parking is becoming the number one sport of my village. I hurt my knee a few months ago and so walking is a bit limited for me at the moment. What I do usually when I get home is circle the blocks in my hood, trying to find as close a spot as possible. One that’s legal and will allow me to sleep as late as possible. And if it’s too far away and I’m too tired at the end of the night, I will take a scooter home. It’s actually rather fun!  I highly recommend it. Even though you inevitably end up looking like an overgrown kid.  And, at the end of the day, what’s wrong with that!

For the Hollywood Dog, this has been Steven Alan Green 2/24/20

Read more by Steven Alan Green.

The concept of happiness is a wild thing. Probably defined as the most personal of concepts on the planet.

Because, if you were to ask a dozen people what happiness meant to them, they’d probably all say the same things. To them, happiness might be to be in a good loving relationship. Or to have a good job that provides them enough to survive on. Or to see their grandchildren. It’s all pretty generic stuff, when you think about it. But, if you were to strap them in a chair, tie electrodes to their fingers and toes and turn up the juice, their perception of happiness would quickly turn from a lovely snow on a Christmas day to the concept of you turning off the electricity and stopping their pain. You see, happiness is merely an expression of what we want next.

High School Dreams Almost Always Include Cars

I remember in high school, all I wanted was a Rolls Royce. Not a new one, mind you. Those weren’t even cool. No. An old 1960’s Rolls Royce Phantom V, the giant boxy one that used to haul around London The Beatles or The Stones as they enjoyed their mobile drug orgies. John Lennon famously brought a new 1964 one and had psychedelic patterns painted all over it, signifying his disdain for establishment and his unabashed love for money.

I think as we grow older, happiness hits a fork in the road. Most of the things we wanted when we were younger (family, career, etc.) have either happened or it didn’t. We can still try and fight for those things later in life, but all that’s really gonna do at the end of the day is make us more unhappy. The key to happiness, I think, is to find the perfect balance between what you want and what you have. Remember, “wants” are attached to the future. And, unless you are so confused, all you want is what you used to have, you can find little blips of happiness in the present. In the moment. The problem with “the moment” is that we kind of never know when it’s coming, therefore, you have to train your mind to be super vigilant to recognize that it’s actually always here with us. Take for example octopus.

Happiness is Octopus

When I lived in London, one of my favorite things to do was to get on my little 50cc “Joker” Honda “looks like a mini Harley” scooter, ride up to Golborne Road and go to the fish stalls and buy a half a kilo of fresh squid. I’d also get some “rocket”, better known in America as arugula. I would then zip back home and do a little stir-fry of the squid, garlic, lemon juice, salt, pepper, olive oil, and a little white wine. Once they were all satisfied as cooked, I would sprinkle a little chopped arugula over the sauce, which was served over freshly made pasta. Delish indeed. So, that made me happy. Was I able to free my mind of worry and concern about my life in general while I made my dinner? Not really, but yes. Because within the exercise of cooking, one automatically gets the satisfaction of accomplishing something and that can only be good for one’s soul.

These days I pine a lot about not having a steady relationship like I’ve had in the past. Whether I’m aware of it or not, every woman I meet during my day, I’m either sussing them out as a potential candidate or seeing if I make any sort of substantial impression upon them. Nearly all of these quick chance encounters never lead to anything, not even a phone number, though occasionally they do. And some of these conversations with “strange” women can be absolutely delightful and funny and even, on some level, loving. But, I know it’s not a reality to think that I can immediately take them home and serve them Octopus Flambé. (If ya know wot I mean, wink, wink…)

The Sweet Bird of Happiness

Happiness is hard to find for one simple reason. Our personal definition of it keeps changing. And as long as one is aware of that, then you can avoid seeking happiness as some sort of permanent thing and just try and find the little pleasurable moments in life. The laughs, making someone feel good, exceeding your personal best at the gym. Giving the finger to someone who cut you off in traffic. There are a million daily reasons to be happy. But trying to find happiness as a permanent thing is something that only time will prove or disprove. Happiness is in our minds. Happiness is in the moment. Happiness is in good memories. And happiness is in garlic squid over pasta. AND, flipping the bird to some dickhead in traffic. Unless, of course, that bad driver was an octopus.

For the Hollywood Dog, this is a very happy Steven Alan Green

2/13/2020

Photo by Mark Maryanovich

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