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1. Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting

2. Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot

3. Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

4. Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

5. Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

6. Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle.

7. Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

8. Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors.

9. Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

10. Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents.

11. Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by… oh, well, it doesn’t matter anyway.

12. Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work.

13. Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that’s true to the end

It’s often a difficult thing living in LA to figure out just where the hell one is.  I mean, yeah, we’re near the sea, the mountains, the desert.  Add a monorail and that could easily be a description of Disneyland.  What I mean is that LA is not a city, but more like an unhappy collective of disparate neighborhoods that want to have nothing to do with each other.  Walking down Hollywood Boulevard, synchronizing footstep with pavement star, you will find yourself standing in front of the oldest operating restaurant in Los Angeles, and by all accounts, still holding the flame to the competition.  Musso’s and Franks.

A Constellation of Eating

Musso’s and Franks opened in 1919 and saw the likes on a regular basis with such early movie luminaries as Charlie Chaplain.  In fact, “Charlie’s booth” still serves up corner comfort to whomever is lucky enough to even know to ask for it; and from my understanding, there is another Charlie’s booth at a Vietnamese restaurant over on Vermont, but that has an entirely different meaning.  You will see modern movie stars at Mussos and I would be remiss if I were to mention any of them publicly here.  Suffice to say they are the cool type of movie star.  Someone “like” Jack Nicholson or someone “like” Jeff Goldblum.  Did Jennifer Lawrence just order the seafood salad?  I think she did.  One time dining in the main room with the bar, All Pacino came in with good size entourage.  He was very interesting to watch as he seemed to purposely not make eye contact with anyone.  Even as he reached across his table for the salt, he seemed to be making himself  invisible.  A year later, Scene of a Woman came out where Al played a blind man.  He was rehearsing his role!

Food as Original as Mae West

The biggest stars at Musso’s are not the incredible Martini’s which comes with an obligatory side bottle of refill, or the anchovy salad dressing or the fire and coal grilled lamb chops or the creamed spinach or their legendary “flannel cakes,” a house invention somewhere between a pancake and a think sheet of paper.  No. the stars of Musso’s are and have always been the waiters.  Union waiters who stay with the company forever.  Back in the 80’s there was this lifelong waiter.  Eppy was his name;  I think he’s gone to the great dining room in the sky, but Eppy used to recommend the potatoes au gratin because “Humphry Bogart used to order it that way from me every Thursday.”  For me?  Sam Spade’s taters were good enough for me.

Manny “Felix” was the star of the dining counter and would do magic tricks at the table for you.  He was a great guy and would put up with my oft grumpy moods.  He knew to bring me my Martini before the menu, which, by the way, they print every day.

For the Hollywood Dog,

Steven Alan Green….WOOF!

Bartender to the stars

Musso’s and Franks official website

Lue Deck – comedy polymath learned his trade from the one and only Mitzi Shore.

There’s an old joke.

Murray and Saul, two old Jewish men, sit on the park bench.  Murray turns to Saul.  “Saul.”  “What is it Murray?”  “If you had 20 million dollars, would you loan me 10?” “Of course I’d loan you 10 million dollars.  I don’t need 10 million dollars, let alone 20.  I’d give you 10 million dollars.  Don’t ask a stupid question!”

A few minutes go by.

“Saul.”  “What is it Murray?”  “If you had 2 office buildings, would you give me one?”  “Of course I’d give you an office building. I don’t need an office building, let alone 2 office buildings.  Don’t ask a stupid question!”

Few minutes more.

“Saul.”  “What is it Murray?”  “If you had 2 watches…”

“You bastard!  You KNOW I got 2 watches!”

Lue Deck – Comedy Polymath

If you had to choose between two doctors. One was a specialist who had full training and certification for being a general practitioner, as well as learning and perfecting his or her specialty. That’s one doctor. The other doctor had basic training and certification as well but was also a trained and certified specialist in a dozen medical areas. He’d be your dentist, for example, but also was an expert in hearing and blood pressure. I would choose the second guy because anyone who has a sense of medicine knows that the body is all related to itself. That’s what comedian Lue Deck is. A really funny dentist. No, that’s a joke. Lue Deck is a comedian who has done it all and done it all excellently and learned and worked with the best in the business. And that is usually an expectation of a comic polymath.

Starting as Comedy Store doorman and MC, Deck cut his comedy teeth at the legendary club under the tutelage of the one and only legendary Mitzi Shore. There, he created The Comedy Channel, was the in-house Improv director, a Comedy Store activist, a Paid Regular, in charge of Video and personal assistant to Mitzi.   As an act he holds the world’s record for performing in 100 cities in one year, 10 years running! He’s opened for everybody from Carrot Top to the Dixie Chicks. Performed extensively on USO tours in 17 countries, over 100 cruise ship gigs. As a writer, Lue Deck is a CSPAN Essay winner. (Featured in 10 major newspapers across America), was a featured stand-up in “I’m Dying up here!” by Bill Knodelseder, which was turned into a very interesting Showtime series by exec producer Jim Carrey. His own book, “Stand-up Decoded: Be as funny as you think you are!” is a popular E-book published by Xlibris.com.  Like I said, Lue Deck – comedy polymath

Lue has also been a dear friend to this comedian and writer. I thought it time he got a little extra spotlight, as usually, and especially in “this town”, it’s hard to get out of the shade of the latest giant comedy monsters casting their overwhelming shadows across us all. I caught up with Lue as I was awaiting trial for attempted laziness.

H-Dog – Tell us about working for Mitzi.

Deck – She knew the ingredients to a successful act. You accepted her advice or left! By the time you could do what she wanted, you could sell your act. Working for her was relentless. From doorman to mc to act, she would pile opportunity and responsibility on you until you couldn’t handle all of it. Video director to consultant to personal assistant. You gave her your thoughts and followed her crazy orders. Looking back, she was right on 95% of her decisions. NOT counting her choice of lovers!

H-Dog: What was it like being the opening act for Ollie Joe Prater?

 

Deck: It was like driving a Wells Fargo stagecoach for a real life Yosemite Sam! We did 87 cities the first year. He liked one-niters because they paid more. Never saw another act who was wanted by ALL the bookers any week! He was the most explosive, reliable, and sold out acts we ever saw.

H-Dog: What was The Comedy Store like back in its heyday?

Deck: It was impressive, like Cape Canaveral shooting comics up every night, 3 or 4 stars destroying crowds. Then, one would beg you for a drink coupon on a late Tuesday. Robin (Williams, of course) knew I didn’t use coke so he’d hide his stash on me. Anything to suddenly be his pal. After I had an office, names would seek ME out to hide there! Andy Kaufman, Richard Pryor, Rodney Dangerfiled. I had to kick Sam Kinison out of the dungeon several times!

H-Dog: You’ve done a lot of cruise ship gigs. Did you ever any kind of quarantine situation like we have now?

Deck: Common to a miss a stop on a 3 stop tour because of dysentery. But, nothing like this! But, cruise ships have always been Petri dishes!

H-Dog: Your radio show “Poor Lue’s Almanac!” was nominated for a Peabody Award. Congratulations! Tell the Hollywood Dog about all that.

Deck: Well, first of all, thank you. In 1997, I was laid up with a broken back and was only selling jokes to Jay Leno. Sold 1 out of 60, 2 out of 40. I had 97 jokes not doing nothing and so I copied Poor Richard’s Almanac model from Ben Franklin. I used Publisher to go digital. Then when I got better and went back on tour, I sold my Almanac for 10 bucks to radio DJ’s. Which led to an offer from Net Radio Live to do 25 episodes before streaming. They nominated me, but I lost out to Bernie Mac.

H-Dog: Tell us about entertaining out troops with the USO and The Department of Defense?

Deck: They were all overseas tours. I found my grandfather’s grave at a gig about 20 miles northeast of Manila. Which was a grounding moment for me because I hardly knew him.

H-Dog: I understand you were the first comic to perform in North Korea!

Deck: Same spot as Trump and Un! Also in building, where the armistice was signed. Tour guide invited me step across the 38^th Parallel, which when I did, the entire tour group yelled “BOO!” I jumped on the table, scared the guards, making them all pulls guns! I “surrendered”! Everybody laughs at my playfulness.

H-Dog: You married a cop? Did she have a sense of humor?

Deck: Her gun was bigger than mine! Google “The Cop & The Comic!” Or look in my book or on my timeline! The evidence wont’ stand up in court!

H-Dog: You were also the first comic to perform in Cuba?

Deck: ’93, my ship stops to do harbor scanning, we went at pier to exchange freight, food, cigars, but no disembarking. At a freight hanger door, I made friends with customs & teamsters by making them laugh. I begged them to let me go to end of pier & touch real Cuba, and so the Cuban customs guys let me. I dashed, told three jokes, and sauntered back, until the dogs rushed up the pier & chased me back into my ship. applause from all but the dogs!

H-Dog: You bio says you innovated the cruise ship toilet lizard. Would care to expound?

Deck: It’s a visual trick with suction toilet. I tell the crowd after show, to go to their room get toilet paper, baseball sized ball on toilet, stream out 10-12 feet, then flush! Tail streaming disappears down toilet, whooooosh! Now, imagine: the flaming lizard!

H-Dog: I would, but I’m too busy crying over what a waste of toilet paper, especially these days! What position did David Letterman play on The Comedy Store Basketball team? You were center, right?

Deck: Starting center and Dave was outside forward; he wasn’t the best at rebound, but had a great shot. Jimmy Walker was good, so was John Witherspoon. We played at the Forum during halftime at a Lakers game.

H-Dog: Who was the opposing team and did you win?

Deck: Pizza Hut and yes we won.

H-Dog: Pizza Hut vs. Comedy Store! That’s hilarious. Moving on. You performed in four states at the same time? How does that work?

Deck: I was offered this gig to perform at a private party at the Four corners landmark, the demarcation quadripoint where Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah meet.  I thought it be cool to leave stage and do 5 min from the landmark.

H-Dog: Okay, my favourite fact about you is that you smoked ganja on Bob Marley’s grave?

Deck: Yes, but buried in 9 mile, up mountain from Ocho Rios. They buried Bob in his front yard inclined with a face visor, so you could see his face, he could see the sun. Been moved to Zimbabwe.

H-Dog: Finally, and I wanted to thank you for your time.

Deck: It’s been my pleasure!

H-Dog: What did Mitzi Shore mean to you and to comedy?

Deck: Mitzi deserves it as a leader in the biz, suffragette, and unique prominence in a man’s world!

H-Dog: Thanks again, Lue Deck. You’re a great man, comic and friend. And certainly the doctor I’d choose!

Deck: Keep positive!

H-Dog: I’ll try my best. (*puts mask back on)

Follow Lue Deck on Facebook

Lue Deck – comedy polymath is the author of the definitive book on stand-up. Available online somewhere.

For The Hollywood Dog, this has been Steven Alan Green.

From our historical victory against the British in the late 1700’s to our home sports team winning the national championship, we Americans like to win. Up until Viet Nam, America perceived itself as winning all wars. Once we hit the proverbial brick wall militarily, we were all kinda shook up. But we kept on. Kept on winning. The great automobile manufacturing war of the 1970’s had us taking on both our former WWII sworn enemies of Germany and Japan and at the end of the day, we kinda won.

Meaning, we didn’t let them take over, though it is hard to believe that when you see a BMW or a Corolla. At the end of the day, winning is how we perceive it and how we perceive whether we’re winning or not is all based on keeping our perspective. If you’re on a diet and want to lose 50 pounds, just by eating better, you’ve started your diet and that’s winning. Losing the weight is almost the prize. The goal is to start.

We Americans Like to Win

Because at the end of the “game” or season, there is always a winner.   Sure; there’s always gonna be some controversy. “But, they cheated!” is always gonna come up during a national championship, sports or politics. And this brings up a problem. If we go with the notion that winning is everything, then how do we deal with losing? Well, I have the answer. Both winning and losing are on very long curves and they are comparatives, rather than absolutes.

In fact the concept of competition is comparative by nature. If you were a baseball player and hit more home runs than anyone in any given season, but your team loses the World Series, I hope you can still win MVP. Because action. Accomplishment. Even just trying is winning.

Innovation is the Key

The thing to remember about us Americans is that we’ve weathered many storms.  The 1929 stock market crash, 9/11, and the 2009 housing crisis.  We will survive whatever is there to overcome.  We have some of the brightest innovators in the world and whether it’s coming up with a renewable energy source or a delightfully fun way to get around the city, we Americans excel in innovation. We Americans like to win.

The world is going through a test.

The Coronavirus is literally testing everyone’s patience and ability to cope. The entire situation is exsaserbated by the fact, that unlike self-improvement, we absolutely depend upon what others do. What the government does. What our local supermarket chain does. What the average stranger passing us by does.

My belief is that in terms of the Covid 19 crisis, each one of us has to literally win every single day. Change and adjust your definition of winning. Were you able to go the store and get milk? Where you able to keep yourself and others safe while doing it. Are you able to keep your head above the ever increasing financial dangerous waters. The key to it all, of course is to be well informed, do the work, and keep on keeping on.  We Americans like to win.

Cut Yourself Some Slack

It’s sometimes hard to feel like a winner when everyone around you seems to have a better life. More things, more money, better looks. And there’s only so much we can do about any of that. That’s why you have to cut yourself some slack. Remember where you’re coming from for sure; but how far you’ve already come is most important.

For The Hollywood Dog, this has been Steven Alan Green

3/19/20