Seeking “moral clarity” for the best laws on abortion in human history, the crew of “Saturday Night Live” — exactly like Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito — traveled back in time for the cold open — to 1235 when “they nailed” reproductive rights, crowed medieval guy and episode host Benedict Cumberbatch.
The scene started with bizarre quotes from Alito’s actual draft opinion leaked this week gutting Roe v. Wade, calling abortion a “crime,” based on a treatise from 13th Century England
Looks like a total ban, the “SNL” guys agree. Andrew Dismukes wonders, though, about allowing abortion at least in cases of “rape and incest.” Alex Moffat complains: “But those are the only kinds of sex!”
Peasant Cicely Strong suggests that other problems might be more urgent to focus on, like “no one can read or write, and everyone’s dying of plague!”
“You think just because I have active plague that means I need to wear a mask?” asks an irate Dismukes. “It’s my body my choice!”
Cumberbatch decides that “we’ve reached the limits of human knowledge” in 1235, when “we trust the Catholic Church with all our money and our children.”
And “we have birth control now,” adds Moffat. “You can’t get pregnant as long as when the man ejaculates, he whispers: ‘Just kidding.’”
Seer Kate McKinnon turns up to predict these “barbaric laws will be overturned by something called progress.” Then 50 years later they’ll say: “Like maybe we should undo the progress.”
But “no matter how many choices they take away from women, we’ve always got the choice to keep fighting!” says McKinnon, fist raised, to whoops from the audience.
“You’re a witch,” says Cumberbatch, “and we’re going to set you on fire.”
Check it out in the video up top.