Notice: This is a satirical piece about taxes and should not be taken completely seriously, except at the end. Take that very seriously please.
Hey kids, it’s that favorite time of year, it’s…Tax Time! Yay! Uh, yeah…
Okay, I know you’re as miserable about this as I am. It’s a drudge, let’s admit it. But, doing your taxes doesn’t have to be boring or tedious. Doing taxes can be fun! Let me give you some pointers on how to make doing your taxes the most entertaining exercise.
First of all, make sure you’ve got all your deductions. Written on little bits of paper or in a ledger. Perhaps online, if you’re the modern type. Now. Once you’ve got them in front of you, stare at them until they get really blurry. I’ll wait. Are they blurry yet? Okay, now, if they are on paper, get some matches. If they are on the screen, get a hammer. Make sure for safety reasons, that all the bits of paper are in a metal bucket or bowl and that you’re wearing safety goggles and fireproof clothing.
I don’t want to inflame any fire hazards.
If they’re on paper, light a match, hold it up, close your eyes and throw the match in the bucket and repeat after me: “I am not my taxes…I am not my taxes…” Keep doing this until you start to feel the heat then open your eyes and scream. If they are on the computer screen, hold the hammer back and cocked, then smash the hammer into the screen with all your might. Make sure you’re wearing safety gloves.
Next….Go to the bathroom.
Look in the mirror. Think of all the things you try and accomplish in your life and start singing I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy! Because nothing is more patriotic than paying your taxes. Your taxes not only go towards providing free yachts and jet planes to struggling billionaires, your taxes go a long way to make sure the environment is exploited and poisoned and foreign wars are started and never finished, all in the name of Patriotism.
Finally, write your congressman.
Make the point of describing your desires for your country and since it’s your money, you’d like some of it allocated to support the causes you believe in. Whether it’s government funds to help the mentally ill or restoring a local historical country bridge, it’s your hard-earned money and it should go towards achieving your version of the American dream.
Skip the meaningless destruction and write your congressman instead. Remember, government officials work for you, not the other way around.
For The Hollywood Dog, this has been Steven Alan Green, 4/4/17
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